Got shanked?

So.........after spending 60+ hours with the Trauma Service this week, I have compiled a list of suggestions for all those who would like to avoid being one of our patients:

1.  Don't get "shanked" (or put yourself at risk by hanging at the State Penitentiary in Draper).

2.  Don't shoot yourself in the abdomen 3 times while running from police.

3.  Don't do drugs (someone might show up at your house & shoot you in the abdomen & butt, all while you were "minding your own business").

4.  Wear a helmet when riding a bicycle, motorcycle, 4-wheeler, or even when crossing the street (this may not eliminate you from ending up in the trauma bay, but may shorten your stay).

5.  Don't try to defend your girlfriend's honor while unarmed.

6.  Wear your seatbelt, ALWAYS!

7.  Avoid hitting large animals with your vehicle (e.g. cows), especially if your pregnant.

8.  Avoid construction work at all times.

9.  Don't get drunk and fall off your porch.

10.  Don't get a gastric bypass (OK, so this is not trauma, but you won't have much gut left and you might need it later for when you don't abide by rule #2 or #3).

Well, good luck everyone!  I sincerely hope I don't see you in the trauma bay anytime soon.  If you broke any of the rules & end up in our E.R., then you probably deserve the C-collar, clothes cut off, log roll & rectal exam that comes with it! OK, so no one deserves a rectal exam.  I don't wish that upon anyone. =0(